A Bad Week or Two...We all have them...
Every once in a while I reach a tipping point. These past two weeks have been it. I have been angry, scared and sad. Profoundly so. The details don't matter. What matters is how it has manifested itself in my life. As a mess.
-I have been a walking "victim" of life. And when I feel like a victim, heads roll or I just feel like leaving. Just leaving everything.
I am devastated at my outbursts this week with the people I love when they say hurtful things when they don't get their way, when they are angry, when they are hurt.
-I woke up so sad and ashamed at how I reacted to my 14 year old daughter's treatment of me in public last night. I wanted her to have something special and it backfired. So instead of a special memory of a one more "last annual event" as she's getting ready to leave her school she grew up in - she is left with a negative memory - my angry outburst in private at night's end.
-I have had an angry edge to my comments on blogs this week. And my comment triggered a blogger to get personal and I let myself get sucked and respond in a nasty way into his personal attacks that had me want to shower after reading. Every time this blogger comments to me - it is an attack, it can have violent comments or crosses boundaries in a way I feel violated. I don't know how/why. I just got hooked. And I was nasty and personal right back. Until I felt so violated that I yelled stop on the blog. But in the end, while there is no excuse for this blogger's going after me the way he does, I was wrong with my initial comment that triggered him. I think public figures who have influence on our country are fair game for being judged. That's what most people do on public issue blogs. And I especially feel criticism is fair game with figures who use vitriol as a means to forward their agenda. But for me to comment and judge a public figure who is known for hate comments by repeating public gossip is below acceptable. I was wrong. Period.
I have been so sad about everything. I don't want to read one more negative blog and I don't mean this guy. Maybe I should just get out of groups on politics and faith references. That's why people avoid those two topics in "polite" daily conversation. Too much right/wrong. I do think blogging about companies can affect change. But the rest - vapor.
Unread Blogging. It was freeing to express whatever in my own little corner.
But then next week, if true to form, I won't resist. I will roll up my sleeves and try to engage in the discourse. Thinking I'm helping forward life for good. Better to go volunteer at a soup kitchen then talk about one, isn't it? Better to blog about political issues, then to get involved helping a candidate, right?
The blogosphere is a great way for me to avoid the anger around me. The sadness. My own. It's a great way not to look at what really matters. My life. My family's life. As a friend who is a family therapist said, "this (blogs, iPods, Facebook, TV) is what keeps me in business." Because if I'm here, I'm not in life. And I'm sure as heck not making a speck of difference by sharing my views. Or trotting out an article to prove I'm right.
Ugh. The sad reality is this is more of the same for me. It's my once every few months reaching the tipping point on blogging. With one exception. My commentary on the blog "argument" and my culpability is my way of making amends - even if the blogger never knows it. And next I go figure a way to make amends to my daughter. And just sit in church tonight to heal as people around me sing thanks for their lives.
Comments
Beanie, thanks for sharing yourself do honestly. Its commendable when someone can be that open and admit when they have made a mistake. But don't forget that we're all human. And just because its the bloggesphere doesn't mean that we won't react in a human way. Be kind to yourself! It makes it easier for the wounds to heal. And when we are healed, we are better able to serve those around us who need us most.
Keep on trying to combat negativity with positivity! And I disagree that you're not making a speck of difference by sharing your views... you never know what could make all the difference to someone!
PS - I just now watched a kayaker paddle past my window and it put a smile back on my face - little joys like that are what make life grand!
The problem is that this isn't quite an accurate translation. "Sin" has such a nasty connotation in English. "Chet" is actually an archery term. It means "to miss the mark."
Think of this. If you're an archer, you will not always hit that bullseye. Even if you're a professional - the best in your field - you will sometimes miss. This, in archery and in life, is what "chet" means.
So how does an archer respond when he misses his target? He does not berate himself as a bad archer. He doesn't throw his bow away. He simply picks up the bow and arrow, corrects for his last mistake, and keeps at it until he doesn't miss that shot the next time. And this is how we must all respond to our bad days and weeks - our outbursts - our fights - the times when in life, we miss the mark.
You're going to get in fights with people, including your kids. You're going to have bad days. You're going to act and speak in ways that you regret later. This is life. Just pick up your bow, and try again.
If the political blogs are bringing negativity into your life, it doesn't hurt to step away from them for a little while for some introspection. I tend to avoid those discussions as well - they too often devolve into name-calling and shouting matches, and don't accomplish any real dialogue.
There are 2 things that I can recommend to perhaps cheer your spirits a bit.
1. Read about the end of apartheid. This happened in our lifetimes. A cruel and horribly unjust system was overthrown. It gives hope to the rest of us.
2. There's an excellent podcast called "Speaking of faith" from NPR. You will see in that podcast a lot of the debates centering around our public life today - conversations on Islam, gay rights, ethics, cloning, science, and more. But it's done in a tenor that sharply contrasts that of the culture warriors we hear shouting on both sides. When you hear this kind of reasoned, respectful conversation - even if you strongly disagree with the point of view expressed - that in itself brings hope.
I will also take time now to reply to each woman on this board. YOU ARE AWESOME. There is something so precious and amazing about the "woman to woman connection" when women can relate, but kick butt with love :)
Bless you all.
And you are great!
The women rallied today when most of my pain is not the blogs it is hurting those I love. And healing is what I'm getting from each of you today to move to "tomorrow is another day" and as Sheri said, another chance to hit the mark.
YOU ARE AWESOME!